Get on the Merry-Go-Round

370 days until I get off this Merry-Go-Round.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I am on a demented Merry Go Round, one I really just want to get off of.  Sometimes I’m feeling ok, like I can handle this.  Then, moments later, I just want to sit and cry.  It’s frustrating to have to work myself out of that pit of despair to a place where I am emotionally doing ok then have it all knocked down by a word, a song, some silly thing.  Lather rinse repeat.

Yesterday at church several well meaning ladies wanted to talk to me about my husband being gone.  Frankly, I didn’t want to talk about it.  My emotions are very hard to control now, and  tears very easily surface.  I know the ladies were just being polite, and that they really did not want me to start bawling.  I’m afraid I came off as rude, which was not my intention, but I just wanted to move from one room to another.  When I got to the class, a woman who’s husband was deployed several years ago sat next to me.  I heard her start, and I said “Just don’t ask.”  She patted my back, squeezed my hand, and told me she understood.  And I know she did.  Of course, I started crying, and she just let me cry without comment, just the gentle squeeze of her hand.  I so needed that.  Someone who would support me without asking anything of me.  (Yes, I’m crying as I type this.)

As is standard for reserve units before they leave the country, my husband gets a pass soon.  He’s coming home.  Oh, I am SO very looking forward to those days of us being together, but am also dreading what I know will come.  I will do my best to stay in the moment and enjoy our time together, not worrying about what I know will come.  He will get on a plane, leaving me standing in the airport crying.  Not long after he gets back, they leave for Iraq.  I don’t know when they leave, I guess he just disappears from the internet and cell phones and I don’t hear from him for days.  Gah, I’m dreading that. So for the people who know me in real life, please call me the week after my husband leaves, and tell me I have to come out for lunch, visits, or that you are having a crisis I need to help with.  Don’t take no for an answer, ok?

Did I mention I’ve “found Jesus”?  In my past history doing child welfare, it always seemed that clients would “find Jesus” and that should be enough to get their kids back.  Occasionally they would find the Prophet Mohamed or the Buddha, but usually it was Jesus they found. And I have found Jesus since my husband has left, as the Savior is the only source of true peace in my soul that I can find.   I’ve always believed, but I haven’t regularly attended church for years, haven’t cracked the Good Book in ages, haven’t really prayed in forever.  I am finding myself doing all those things now. I’m not meaning to be disrespectful, but I’ve seen many people “find Jesus” on a superficial level, only to loose Him again once the challenge is done.  That’s my worry, that I’m essentially using Jesus to get though this, then will drop it all once my husband gets home.  I will have to work on making this a true conversion, not just a superficial and temporary one.  I like to think this will continue, and I hope it will.  I’ve also been making my husband attend services while he is away, frankly he needs the respite from all things military for an hour a week.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to start preaching or anything, just describing part of this journey that I am going through.