Posted by: 103rdtransferwife | June 10, 2010

Digging in

353 days until we start to see how we’ve changed.

It’s another day here.  I made some big decisions yesterday.  After talking with my boss, I am giving up some of my caseload.  I have been working a full time caseload, and the strain of all the pressure and demands on me has been showing.  I’m sad to be giving up the cases, but having made a decision on this, I feel a great burden has been lifted.  I am also getting more help with administrative work.  Again, another burden lifted off of my shoulders.  My boss made a very good point while we were talking: A lot of families find that they can’t have both parents working full time, that one works full time and the other part. My husband is working more than full time.   Now that I no longer am shouldering the burden of being the bread winner, I have the freedom to let some of the work go.  I don’t have to work these cases because I need to so that we can meet our needs.  I am not quitting outright as I believe that would be a poor move for me emotionally, as well as could cause some financial problems when my husband comes home.  I believe that if I hadn’t let go of a few cases, I would be quitting in a month or so, because I am starting to sense that I am burning out.  So I am keeping the cases that are meaningful to me, and letting the less fulfilling ones go to someone else.

I will say, I’ve learned some things via the rumor mill and people’s facebook status messages about the length of the 103rd’s stay at the transitional base which has me livid.  I’ve learned they may be there much longer than I had guessed.  If the rumor mill is correct, THERE IS NO REASON THAT WE WERE NOT GIVEN A MAILING ADDRESS EXCEPT THE 103rd ESC’s LEADERSHIP DOES NOT WANT THE HASSLE OF DEALING WITH MAIL AND THEY DO NOT BELIEVE MAIL IS IMPORTANT TO MORALE AND THEY DO NOT BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT TO THE FAMILIES.  My take: TOO DAMN BAD.  I know that some in leadership have a dim view of family members who like to send mail, may I politely suggest they stow their attitude, and I’ll promise to not judge their families for not sending mail if they stop judging me and other families who like to send mail for being that way.

Emotionally? I figured out the word for what I am feeling: abandoned.  That’s a hard word to use, but it is how I am feeling.  Remember emotions aren’t rational.  They don’t always make sense.  Mentally, I know my husband loves me, emotionally, I am bereft.  Today I’m feeling abandoned. He’s wanted to be deployed for a very long time.  My love wasn’t enough for him to want to stay. He is off on his longed for deployment, something he has wanted to do his entire life.  I am home, overwhelmed, doing something I have never wanted to do, which is living apart from him.  I know these emotions aren’t fair to him.  I know he’s doing everything he can to be in contact with us.  I know he loves us and that he misses us very much.  That’s just how I’m feeling today.

I’ve discussed my blog with a person who’s counsel I value greatly.  She expressed concern for my husband on reading it.  There is a simple reason that I need this out there, and I need him to know how this journey is going for me.  Before when he went to a 6 month school, I hid how hard that separation was for me.  The signs that I was an awful mess were everywhere, but I kept how badly I was functioning a secret.  When he came home, it was a real shock for him how bad things were because I had kept it a secret.

I can’t keep it a secret this time.  Right or wrong, I feel better getting my emotions out there.  Getting my journey out there helps me cope.  I can’t expect my husband to understand what happened at home if I don’t tell him.

I’m really struggling with him being overseas.  I think I google “time Kuwait” 10 times a day.  I have ordered a new dual timezone watch so I can stop that. Looking forward to it coming so I’ll know what time it is there, so I’ll have some idea if he’s awake or asleep.   I very much want to cling to him, but am doing my best to give him space.  I know he has other things to do than be on the phone or internet with me.  I feel like I get so little compared to what I was used to getting; it is a hard change.  Really hard.  I’m hoping once they get to Balad and get settled and on a schedule that I’ll be able to calm down because I’ll have a much better idea when I’ll be able to expect a phone call. I’m REALLY having a problem with how very far away he is.  I just really want him back home where things are safe.  Back home where I can take care of him and he can take care of me.  Back home where he remembers we had a milk delivery and brings it in, while I totally forgot about it, and basically threw it all out.  That was a waste of money.

I went shopping for his first care package once he gets to Balad.  Yeah, I’m excited to be able to send him mail again, and that just can’t come soon enough.  I have so many plans, and I just want to get them mailed to him, now.  Hopefully what I send him makes his life more comfortable, less harsh.

So that’s me today. I’m feeling calmer.  I still don’t know how I’m actually going to do this.

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Responses

  1. Don’t take the lack of a mailing address personally. Our guys were headed back to the exact same FOB that they had been at during the last deployment but BN held off on releasing the mailing address because there is always the possibility that their location may change OR the mailing address itself may change (even if they are in the same place…I’ve seen that happen as well). I know it’s hard to be patient when you’re feeling abandoned (which is a completely normal way to feel right now!) but give it a bit of time and you’ll get an address.

    And that first care package is a big deal! I was SOOOO excited to send it! It’s the first of many firsts during a deployment. And it’s something to check off on your way to the end of the tunnel.

    Glad the caseload is easing up.

  2. I’d be more willing to cut the unit some slack on the mail if they hadn’t demonstrated a condescending attitude toward mail senders in the past. I feel very strongly that the upper leadership of this unit is not family friendly and wishes we would all go away. It started by not having families stand and be recognized at the Hail and Farewell, and has gone downhill from there. Soldiers were not given a token to give to their families. Transfer families, like mine were not given addresses to the location. I hear there was a shuttle, but we weren’t given any information about it, so thankfully we rented a car. To me, this is just one more example of this unit’s disrespect for families.

  3. You’re right – not a very good track record on their part. I hope it gets better.


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