Posted by: 103rdtransferwife | May 31, 2010

He came and he went

363 days until I’ll feel whole again.

I just got to spend a wonderful weekend with my husband. Now that he’s gone again, I am missing him so much. It hurts worse this time. We never were really able to shake the dark cloud of him having to leave again so soon, with the knowledge that after he goes back, he’s shipping out.

I loved just being able to hold and love him. I let him do what he wanted. We touched constantly. It was an amazing weekend. I loved every second I got to spend with him. We wandered around a Wal-Mart and Costco aimlessly because every time he’s been shopping for the last month he’s been on someone else’s time. While we were in the hotel, I let him take as long a shower as he wanted (at home he was limited by our water heater). I wanted to just let him relax and not have to worry about anything. The time just flew by. The time was so precious; I feel like I blinked and I was back at the airport, only leaving him this time.

The remnants of him are again all over our home. His clothing is again in the laundry waiting for me to wash. His things are again out.

I’d give anything to have him home to stay. I’d also like to fast forward through the next year. I’d settle for having him come home early, but I know that’s not going to happen. So far the rumors I keep hearing point to extension. To keep my husband, they will have to involuntarily extend him, as he will not chose to extend. After 430 days of separation, our family will have done our duty, and it will be someone else’s turn. Selfish? I don’t care. We will have done our time apart.

I don’t know when I will get to see him again. That hurts. So far through the 2 months of this deployment so far, I’ve known when he was coming home again. My guess is that he’ll get R&R in about 7 or 8 months, meaning he’ll be home in January or February. My heart already aches over this. I don’t know how I will go that long without seeing my love.

So he’s the Army’s now. After talking with him this weekend, I am very worried for his emotional health. He STILL has not been actually trained in his job, a job he has NO experience or training in. That frustrates me to no end. He’s picked things up here and there, but does not know how to actually do his job, yet he is being expected to do his job well. REALLY??? One thing that really hurts is that he won’t get to come home to me to help soothe his pain and to help him focus. He is very worried about not knowing how to do his job, and he’s very frustrated over not being able to do it. When he learned he was not being sent to do a job he actually knows how to do, he was promised that he would be fully trained and brought up to speed. It hasn’t happened yet. He’ll be working 14 hour days, 7 days a week, in a very stressful job, a job he’s never been trained to do. I am worried about how I will put him back together again after this experience. He likely won’t have PTSD from it, but he will bear emotional scars. I see him coming home burnt out, having been chewed up and spit out by the Army. I’ve come to learn that once you get past your immediate supervisors, higher up’s don’t give a damn about the soldiers they over see. They just want the job done. I feel like my husband is being treated like a drone, forgetting he’s an actual person with needs. I haven’t forgotten for a second that he’s a person, not just a number.

Poppet loves her daddy so. She got very mad at my mom, because my mom said she was going to get to see her daddy, and Poppet thought my mom was lying, and basically was a holy terror until she got to see her dad. When she saw him, she ran right up to him and climbed into his lap and stayed there for about half an hour. It was wonderful to see them be able to interact together. I love watching them together, something I will desperately miss over the next year. I’m glad that Poppet is old enough that she will remember her daddy.

It was very hard for him to get on the plane. He waited until the very end to board, then stood at the end of the Jetway waving to me. Even after they shut the door, he waived at me through the window. When they made him get on the plane, he waived at me as he got on the plane. It was so very hard seeing him go. So very hard. I’ve clouded up my contact lenses again due to all the salt I’ve cried out today.

I’ve been blessed with a very supportive family, wonderful friends, a very supportive church congregation. I am very blessed in that regard because I will need their support through the next year. I am very blessed in that respect. I’ve been assigned a matron at church (an older wife to help support a younger one) and her husband was deployed several times for Vietnam and other conflicts. When she held me and told me she understood, I knew she did and I let the tears flow. My pastor told me that tears cleanse the soul, if that’s the case, my soul is pretty darn cleansed after today.

I’m trying to be positive, I really am. Part of me (a part I am really angry at) is glad he’s gone, because knowing I’d have to say good bye again was eating at me. Now that his pass is over, hopefully I can settle down into a routine, knowing that my routine won’t be disrupted, a wonderfully welcome disruption, for some time.

I’ve felt so empty today. I hope I calm down soon so I can eat something.

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