Posted by: 103rdtransferwife | May 20, 2010

I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

374 days until I get to have my husband home for good.

I’ve had a hard couple of days.  It has also been hard to find the time to log on and type out a blog entry.  So here goes a wrap up of my last couple of days.

Sunday morning I woke up from one of those dreams which seems so real you forget you are dreaming.  I dreamed my husband was home for good and I was hugging him tightly.  I felt so empty inside for the rest of the day. Went to church, they sang Onward Christian Soldiers, I laughed at the song.

Monday my mom happened to call when I was extremely stressed.  I had spent the day fighting with Apple, Verizon, and 2 separate provider agencies, was trying in vain to print out some paperwork I needed for Verizon, and couldn’t get the driver to download.  I kept downloading PDF’s. My tower crashed right after my husband left, and I had failed to set up printing on my new laptop.  While doing this, Poppet dropped a glass and so we now had glass all over the kitchen.  I also was upset because I missed an important thing at Poppet’s school because no one told me about it. So my mom calls in the middle of all this.  She tells me to put on a Dora DVD, clean up the glass, and call her back.  While cleaning up the glass, I remembered that Windows 7 has an add a printer tool, which got my computer printing in minutes.  (I’m 103rd Transfer Wife, and Windows 7 was my idea!).  So by the time I called her back the problem was resolved.  She still insisted I come up and spend the night.  We assembled Poppet’s out door playhouse I bought for her birthday.

Tuesday I was lazy. Did some cleaning and shopping.

Wednesday I got some actual work done, and saw my therapist.  It also was Poppet’s last day of pre-school, something Poppet will be very sad not to have.  My therapist pointed out that I was being very negative about this deployment, and suggested I need an attitude adjustment.  I mean she said it in a more therapisty way, but in essence that was the gist of my session.  I’m mad at everyone, lashing out, pushing everyone away, and being very negative.  So I’m going to try to be more positive, and to let go of the anger before I say or do something to damage important relationships, like with my husband, mom, or daughter.  I’m not exactly sure how to release all my anger, it’s never been an easy thing to me.

I had to come up with a list of positives from this deployment so far.  I had to come up with 5.  Some are silly, but here’s my list.

  1. I have cleared the Netflix queue of all war movies.  So when a Netflix arrives in the box, I know it’s something I want to see.
  2. I know the Diet Coke I put in the fridge will still be there and cold when I go and get it.
  3. There is no one to flush the toilet when I am showering.
  4. I got a new dress to welcome my husband home in for his 4 day pass.
  5. Because we switched to Verizon, (they have skype on the phones and the best international plan) I’m getting an Droid Incredible.

Silly list, but it worked.

I can’t promise to always, or even most of the time, to be positive, but I am going to try being more positive.

I’m really struggling with how long this deployment is.  It seems impossibly long.  I also can see that my husband’s unit is scheduled to come home 6 months before the full pullout of the United States from Iraq.  Supposedly, they are one of  the last units going to Iraq. I really can’t see them coming home on time.   From the General’s statement at the farewell ceremony, he said their mission was to get the rest of the soldiers and their stuff home from Iraq.  I mean do the math. If the mission isn’t finished, and full pull out isn’t planned until December 2011, and it seems from other news articles the pull out is slightly behind and looks to get even more behind with concerns that they won’t meet the August 2010 deadline for getting the combat troops out, how on earth can I expect my husband to be allowed to come home when his 400 days are up?  I guess I can totally see the Army extending them until December 2011, rather than swapping them out.  Frankly, no matter what the Army says in press releases and the LIP service given to families at the farewell, I don’t think the Army or this unit gives a rats ass about families or the hard times they go through.  I can very much see them saying, just leave them there, it’s much easier to extend them for 7 months rather than swap them out.   Yeah, I don’t like what the tea leaves are telling me.  Not one bit.

And there just went my being positive.  See I told you this was going to be hard for me.

A unit came home this week from Iraq.  They were on a 9 month deployment.  Oh, I am so jealous! 6 or 9 months seems so much more do-able than the 15 months this will end up being when all the trainings are added in.  Add to that the possible extension….

Deep breath.  I’m supposed to be positive.  I can’t do anything about the length of time, any involuntary extension, or my worries surrounding the homecoming ceremony.  (I mean the farewell was SO wonderful, I can’t help but have high hopes for the homecoming /sarcasm)

So I’m totally failing at being positive right now, so I’m stopping posting.  Hopefully tomorrow I’ll do a better job.  See, that’s positive!

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