Posted by: 103rdtransferwife | May 3, 2010

Eyes on the Prize

391 days until our family is back under one roof.

So we’ve had a failure to communicate.  I’m not getting into details, but suffice it to say my feelings were very hurt.  I’ve discussed this with my mom and a good friend, and they both said I’m not over reacting.  Trust me, I understand security protocols, a demanding job, being exhausted, but my hurt feelings could have been avoided by a couple of quick texts.  Honestly, we need to get this communication problem discussed and resolved now, because if I ignore it, it won’t get any better on it’s own.  Then rather than a couple of days of hurt feelings, we will have a year’s worth of unhappiness and resentment to deal with.

I feel very sorry for my husband.  As a transfer, he has no training in his current job.  I really hope people mentor him and help him learn.  He’s never done anything like this before, and he’s been thrown into the deep end.  I hope someone throws him a life buoy. I’m worried they won’t help him learn his job.  It strikes me as unreal that he’s being expected to be perfect at a job he’s never done, has never been trained for, has no frame of reference for.  I reminded him that they would have no idea how to do what he does at his home unit, and he said he’s surrounded by know it alls,  and he’s sure they’d try. I reminded him what happened when they let a bunch of fresh out of AIT soldiers do one of their missions, and among other things, split lips and a bloody nose ensued.  Don’t worry, I hear laughter when that incident is discussed and the pictures of the damage were some of the best at his unit’s Dining Out last year.  FYI, it was a training, and other than the minor cuts the soldiers were not in actual danger.  It’s not like they were playing with live grenades or a nuke.

I read online an article about keeping a marriage strong through a deployment.  One suggestion was to table emotional decisions until he’s home and things are settled, say 6 months after he comes back.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I invoked this because he was talking about getting out once this is done.  We have no perspective on the current situation at all.  I asked him to wait to make a decision until he’s home, we can look at the situation as a whole with clearer eyes.  I can’t believe I did that.  I’d love for him to come home tomorrow.  I knew when he joined back up after 9/11 at least one deployment would be involved.   I know how important serving is to him.  That’s really the only reason I put up with this, because it is so very important to him.  He won’t be eligible for the tax free bonus while he’s gone, so it’s a decision we don’t have to make now, or even for a couple of years. Military separations are da major suck, and it’s not like I really enjoy them or really want him to stay in.  I just want the decision made with a clear pair of eyes, and not made in the heat of an emotional moment.

Yesterday a friend reminded me to keep my eyes on the prize.  I reminded my husband about this.  What’s the prize?  This deployment will get us out of debt.  We will be able to buy a home when he gets home.  He needs a deployment on his service record if he wants to continue in the Reserves and be promoted, so that’s another prize.  The prize is completing something really, really hard and getting through it as a family.  Where much is given, much is required. That said, all of those prizes are worth nothing if he doesn’t come home or if we don’t come out of this on the other side together as a family, which is why I discussed the communication issue.  Honestly, I am very aware of mission needs and all that, but none of that applied today.  He simply didn’t send me some texts when he should have.  It would have taken a minute total, and it would have saved a lot of upset.

I think we both ended up crying during our call.  I’ve decided I am going to just bite my tongue about things going on at home for a bit while he adjusts to his new job.  He said that with me being the internet queen, I’d take to this job like a duck to water.  He on the other hand is struggling.  It was good to let him vent about his struggles.  I’ve got enough people to vent to, so unless it’s something he needs to know about, like the above mentioned situation, I’m keeping my mouth shut and will call and text my friends to get my vent out.  So that’s my goal for the next 24 hours….

I hate that I can’t help him.  Some “family” which is demanding perfection without even training or teaching the new member the expectations or what to do.

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