Posted by: 103rdtransferwife | June 7, 2010

We no longer sleep under the same sky

356 days until we are back in the same time zone for good.

He has now moved over seas.  I’m taking it pretty hard. We no longer sleep at about the same time.  We no longer are on the same continent. It’ s not even the same day half of the time.  His morning is my last night.

Do you all have any idea how much I want him to get on a plane, say screw this and just come home?  He is now in a country with a warning on the State Department’s watch list.  He’s one step closer to the war zone.  He’s a whole lot further from me, and I won’t see him for months.  This is a whole new level of worry and longing. He and I have never been this far apart.  Every time before when he’s been gone, I’ve always known that if something were to happen to either of us, we were a short plane flight apart.  Not so any more.  If something happens to him, I have to hope the Army lets me go to him.  If something happens here, unless someone’s dead or dying, he doesn’t come home.  The last two months have dragged, I can’t imagine that the nearly 12 remaining months of this deployment will be any better.   I won’t see him for months.  Will I remember how he smells?  Will  he remember how to kiss me? I can’t help but wonder if a week ago today was the last time we will make love.

I came across this quote today “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely.” Charlie Brown.  Wise words from the boy who could never kick the football.

I hate how the time difference now makes us talking harder.  It’s no longer at the beginning or end of our day, It’s at the beginning or end of his, and these no longer match what so ever.  It’s just one thing more that my soul is raging against.

I am trying very hard to figure out why this has been put into our lives.  I believe that the Lord has a path for all of us, I’m just trying to figure out what the purpose of this path is for us.  What do we need to learn from being on opposite sides of the planet that we couldn’t learn together?  Why do I have to learn that I can live without him?  That’s a really scary one for me.    Why can’t we go though a major trial together?  Why do we have to spend this next year apart? And after this is done, how do we put our family back together again?

Call me crazy, but I can’t wait until they are settled in Balad (Wait… before I get yelled at for OPSEC, the Army announced this back in February on their official web site.) He has been in a training/transitional state for 2 months now.  2 months without any privacy on his end.  He’s had to go outside to call me every time.  2 months where he’s bunking will all sorts of people, including people who are very inconsiderate of grave yard workers. I’m really hoping that once he’s settled into his shipping container, he get’s the internet set up in his room, and he’s got a semblance of privacy (no he doesn’t get his own plywood cell) that we can get into a rhythm, I can start knowing better what to expect, and we can start better scheduling when he calls. Yes, we are paying for the wi-fi.  In fact, he’s going to research the satellite options.  Oh, and before anyone starts saying how expensive it is, I’ll just pass on that for me personally with home internet (something I consider essential), the data package on my phone, and my wireless card for my laptop, my personal internet bill is over $100 a month.  I’d never live without the internet in my house, why on earth would I expect him to? To me, it’s like going having a washing and dryer in the house versus going to a laundromat… the convenience is very much worth a fair sum of money. Plus, I’d like to make it as easy as possible for him to call home. Also, as of late I’ve felt very useless and derelict in my care of him as I can’t send him anything until they are settled.  Mailing things to him is one way I cope, and I’ve not been able to do that now for 2 weeks, and I don’t know when I get to start again, but it won’t come soon enough.

I’ve had several bright spots this weekend.  My mom was in an At&T store getting a new phone and she learned about a brand new international texting package they have.  For $10 a month, he get’s 50 texts a month, and can receive unlimited as we have an unlimited texting package on the phones.  There are also discounts if he goes over his 50 (which I anticipate he will every month).  I can send him a picture for 30 cents.  He and I do a lot of quick messages over texting, and I don’t know if you have any idea how wonderful it is to me that I am able to text him to my heart’s content.  It is just such a comfort to me that I can send him a quick I love you, and he can get it whenever he turns his phone on.   He can text me too, and while we have to pay attention to how many, at 40 cents a text over 50, it still takes a LOT of texts to rack up a massive bill.  Plus, as I shut off his data plan because that just got REALLY expensive REALLY fast, our base bill doesn’t change at all.  I’m not expressing it well, but hearing this and getting things set up was just a wonderful relief for me.  Losing the ability to text him because of how easy and fast it is was really hard for me.  Truthfully, he and I have had some very meaningful conversations over texting.  (I’ll be honest, we pretend we are teenagers and have sexting as well, I was really going to miss that.)

Another bright spot was when knowing he was leaving, (again, a call from Bangor, Maine tells you he’s heading out) I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him for days.  Right when I was sitting on my mom’s porch crying, he called. A very tender mercy from the Lord.

Reading what I’ve read online about where he is, it sounds like a very retched place.  I feel very bad for him being there.  I wish he was home so I could take care of him and give him a softer life than the one he’s having.

All I want is him home.  I’ll be really honest, I’m starting to question why he wanted this.  A small,bitter,  angry part of me worries he wanted this to get away from me and Poppet, rather than going because he wants to serve.  It makes me worry because I cannot compete with the Army, because hey, I don’t have orders and UCMJ and centuries of history on my side.  I don’t have the pomp and circumstance the Army offers.  I don’t have any medals or promotions.  I’m just me. Immensely complicated, overweight, hurting me.   Then I ask him what he wants to do on R&R, and he says he just wants to be home, and I send another prayer to heaven thanking the Lord for him, praying that he comes home safe, whole, and the same, and praying that his deployment gets shortened.  Pretty much, that’s what I pray for on his side.  For me I pray for peace, strength to do this, the ability to not jump straight to anger, and the ability to do all I have to do.  For Poppet I pray she comes out of this year knowing her mommy and daddy love her, and I pray she doesn’t come out of this with any attachment issues, and I pray she’s young enough she won’t remember this year.

Did you know that dwell time is assigned to the unit, not the soldier?  So when he gets done with this trip, we don’t have any guaranteed dwell time, because he was transferred.  That just sucks something awful.  Had he been deployed with his home unit he’d basically be guaranteed 4 years at home.  Since he was transferred, no such guarantee.  I dread him coming home and turning around and going right back.  This policy really is wrong.

I mentioned to him that he only has to make that 30 hour or so trip 3 more times.  He groaned.  I then pointed out that 2 of those 3 remaining trips are to home.  I’ll be honest, I’m already dreading that one trip back, and I know it won’t happen for months.

Thanks for reading.  IT helps me to get my feelings out into words. Like I’ve mentioned before, I want to share what happens between the farewell ceremony (well covered by media) and the homecoming ceremony (also well covered by media).  In between those two well publicized events is a year of experiences, and these are mine.


Responses

  1. I will tell you, having been deployed to Balad, there are much worse/unsafe places to be going. Know that he will be on a mini-US base and will have at least some what comfortable conditions. Being able to have cell phones and internet in his room is big improvement – a few things to be happy about anyways!

  2. There are a lot worse places he could be. One of the things I am grateful for is that his job on this deployment is much safer than the job he would be doing if he had been deployed from his home unit.

  3. I’m here via CJ and Cass at VC.

    First off, I’m praying this all settles down for you a bit. And it will. The first few weeks just suck. Eventually you’ll find your rhythm and get your feet back under you…kind of. That ache really doesn’t go away. You just come to some kind of a tentative truce with it.

    Secondly, Poppet will take cues from you. If YOU are ok, she will be ok. I’m not saying plaster a smile on and fake it for the next year – it’s healthy for her to see you miss him. It’s ok for her to see you sad. But do everything you can to keep him IN her life – pictures, discussions about what he’s doing/eating for dinner/wants for his birthday/etc. Even if she’s little, she’ll soak that up like a sponge. One of my friends made my kids Daddy Dolls with MacGyver’s picture on them and my kids STILL sleep with them (he’s been home now for a LONG time).

    The cell phone thing is AWESOME!!! I wish that had been available to us when MacGyver was gone. Skype is great too when you can use it.

    I’m glad CJ found you!

  4. Being able to text him has been just wonderful. I took Poppet on the train today, (she thinks the train is the best thing ever) and we made a little video and sent it to him. She liked that. I’m working on getting her (and me) a Daddy doll. Thanks for commenting and coming to visit.


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